Gwonam
Gwonam al-Fari, Jr. (1922–2019) is a 94-year-old Koridian wizard who lives in a house. He is King Harkinian's royal messenger, fool, magician, cook, and masseur. Biography Gwonam al-Fari, Jr., one of two identical twins and three sons born to Gwonam al-Fari, Sr., was born in Koridon in March 1922 while his parents were on vacation there. Gwonam grew up in Yumustdai on the island of Koridai, then an independent nation, and barely knew most of his many other siblings, including Namowg and Osama bin Gwonam. Gwonam went to the Squadallah College of Wizardry in the early 1940s and learned well there, but ended up dropping out in favor of pursuing an acting career. Around that time, Gwonam married Maude al-Lah, with whom he had a son, and became a radio actor, appearing on popular programs like Harkinian Talk. After radio faded in popularity, Gwonam tried to transition to a career producing television shows. Gwonam had little success with his television career, which wasn't exactly surprising, given the fact that nobody in Hyrule even owned a television yet. He decided to return to Squadallah College, where he mastered the use of flying carpets, among other magical practices. He then had an idea to sell carpets and founded Carpets R' Yours, and King Harkinian hired him as a scribe in 1977. Maude al-Lah died in Hurricane Zelda in 1981, and in 1985, Gwonam married Impa. However, the marriage ran into trouble quickly when Morshu withdrew his funding for Carpets R' Yours, forcing Gwonam to close the store and move into Impa's house. Worse, Impa then inadvertently used the Triforce of AIDS near Gwonam, giving him AIDS. Even worse, before he realized he had been infected, Gwonam gave the disease to his secret lover Goronu, who in turn gave it to the King, and so on. Before long, there was an all-out AIDS epidemic in Hyrule. Luckily, Gwonam managed to invent a cure for AIDS before the disease killed him or the King, but this method was imperfect and resulted in the creation of forms such as Mwaogn. Gwonam soon began selling his AIDS cure to other Hylians and used much of his profits to invest in the stock market. At the same time, he and Impa—who suspected Gwonam's infidelity due to the spread of the AIDS she gave him—grew increasingly hostile toward each other, and he began spending most of his time away from her at a vacation home in Koridai. However, the King unknowingly destroyed the house in his bombing campaign against the terrorist organization known as Squad Allah, forcing Gwonam to move back in with Impa. Gwonam ultimately lost all of his rupees in the Hylian Market Crash of 1989, so he became homeless, and he even had to trade his turban for food. Gwonam would live as a bum until King Harkinian launched the Rupee War against Ganon and Hylian warriors seized much of Ganon's wealth. Then, in 1993, Ganon took over Gwonam's homeland of Koridai, so Gwonam flew to Hyrule Castle to warn King Harkinian and ended up helping Link defeat Ganon. In 2005, Impa finally divorced Gwonam and kicked him out of her house when he tried to set up an aviary inside without her permission, so Gwonam had to find a way to make money, unable to live on the meager salary he received from King Harkinian alone. Gwonam eventually decided he could get rich by selling burgers and opened Squadallah Burger on the side of a road. However, he failed to attract a single customer for four whole years, even though he had help from Link, and he ultimately had to close the place to avoid bankruptcy. The closure of Squadallah Burger made Gwonam depressed, and he attempted suicide by crashing his flying carpet. Unfortunately, he ended up crashing into his twin brother, who died instead. At first, this made Gwonam's depression even worse, but then he got angry and started blaming his problems on the King. He then tried to get revenge by extorting The King, but Ganon intervened and ruined his face. Later, an inventor from the future named Hubert J. Farnsworth visited Gwonam and taught him a technique by which he could travel through time. An excited Gwonam immediately traveled twenty-five years into the future, only to find an evil version of Link well on his way to conquering the entire universe. Gwonam then travelled back to 2010 and brought The King, as well as Link and Morshu, with him to 2040 to defeat future Link. Gwonam was shot by Evil Link, but survived because he wore a bulletproof vest. The younger Link ended up killing himself to kill Evil Link, and Gwonam took his allies back to their own time. Back in 2010, Gwonam found Link alive once again. Gwonam realized this meant Evil Link would still exist later, so he went back to the 1990s to kill Link and other important people, including Fat Mario and Gay Luigi. However, before he could kill The King, another time-traveler named Cortez appeared and threw Gwonam off his carpet in mid-air. After that, Gwonam decided that time travel was pointless and tried to thwart Evil Link as he developed. Over the next few years, Gwonam went back to normal and even started learning some new magic techniques, but then he started to go senile. On December 7, 2012, he suddenly had an inexplicable urge to watch some crappy animated movie called Dino Time. However, when The King informed him that there were no copies of the movie in circulation, Gwonam decided there was no reason to go on living and threw himself off a balcony. Instead of dying, though, he went into a coma and woke up in Hyrule General Hospital a month later. Having "dreamed" about Dino Time, he soon convinced Link to kill him again, and he could finally rest in peace... that is, if Link hadn't missed all of his vital internal organs when he stabbed him. A few weeks later, he was returned to his original body by some robot-alien things. By then Dino Time was available in the real world, and Gwonam was at last able to watch it in full, only to realize that it was terrible. With that resolved, he returned to serving the King. During the Form Wars, the King was assassinated, so Link took over Hyrule. Gwonam then served Link before dying in the Poopocalypse. His son took over his businesses. Personality Gwonam's IQ is 245, making him the smartest man in Hyrule. However, he sometimes refuses to admit when he is mistaken; one time, he declared that King Harkinian was dead, then insisted he was right even when Harkinian himself appeared and denied Gwonam's claim. Gwonam also has an unhealthy tendency to become obsessed with any movie he sees, such as Dino Time (see above) and The Nut Job (see below). He hates bronies, and he called Link gay when he found out that Link was one. He also loves birds, houses, and birdhouses. Despite his interest in maps, he has a very poor understanding of Earth's geography; for example, he thinks that Florida and India are islands. Although he does not have a particularly great amount of respect for King Harkinian, he tends to be very concerned about the King's health and has made many unsuccessful attempts to make him adopt diet and exercise. Abilities Gwonam has much experience piloting flying carpets and other aircraft, although he occasionally crashes into walls or windows, and can teleport people and/or objects. He can cast curses on people, and even turned King Harkinian into stone once. By using a technique he learned from Merasmus, he can even censor people. He also has the ability to temporarily detach his head from his body, and he is believed to be the only person who can do a WTF BOOM! without exploding in the process. Scroll Gwonam possesses a scroll covered in meaningless symbols, which he uses to convince people to do certain things by claiming the symbols describe a prophecy. Most famously, he once declared that only Link could defeat Ganon not long before Zelda managed to defeat Ganon. Gwonam can get away with this because nobody in King Harkinian's court has the sense to question him. So far, Morshu is the only Hylian who suspects the truth. Health Issues Gwonam was the first Hylian to get AIDS when the disease first appeared in Hyrule in 1985. His mental health has been in decline in recent years, and he sometimes rants insanely about things like the birds being evil. He also suffered a heart attack on November 6, 2012; the King ignored him, but Namowg took him to Hyrule General Hospital, and he eventually made a full recovery. Gwonam has claimed that he doesn't have a dong, but there's a good chance he made that up to get out of having sex with Duke Onkled. Religious Views Gwonam has been a Muslim for most of his life, and he knows all about the teachings of the Koran. He is not particularly devout, however, and he even eats unclean foods like ham openly, much to his family's dismay. He also occasionally yells about Allah for no apparent reason, although this may just be due to senility. Although many people accuse him of being a terrorist, he is actually a frequent victim of terrorist attacks. His house often gets bombed when he goes out to buy groceries. Sexual Orientation Like most YouTube Poop characters, Gwonam is bisexual, but like the King, he usually tries to hide his homosexual affairs. He has been in a long-running gay relationship with Goronu ever since they met in prison, and he managed to keep it a secret until the Triforce of Wisdom revealed the true sexuality of most of the Zelda CD-i characters. He is also a strong supporter of gay rights, and he once called Link a "homophobic faggot" for not wanting to have sex with the King. Trivia *His favorite word, "squadallah," means "to rub one's butt on the floor." But don't tell him that, or he will kill you. *He can read only in Phoenician, explaining the symbols on his scroll. *He is an undercover police officer, as shown in Link the Murderer. *King Harkinian often makes him scrub his feet, but he has a foot fetish, so he doesn't mind this at all. *He is also responsible for keeping King Harkinian informed about Zelda's love life. This is why he always seems to interrupt when Zelda and Link are about to kiss. *He owns an apartment in New York City. *He likes to watch the Pingas Channel. Weird. *He bought an X-wing on eBay, but various people like King Harkinian and Namowg kept stealing it, which eventually led to its destruction. *He loved The Nut Job so much he drew its title on the King's toilet paper. This ended badly for Gwonam; when the King found out, he ordered Link to attack Gwonam, and Link chased him all the way to the Mushroom Kingdom. *He created the original story for Regular Show, but failed to make it into an actual show. He sold his concept to J.G. Quintel in 2009 for 4 rupees. *He refuses to eat KFC due to chickens being birds. Quotes *"Your majesty, Ganon and his minions have seized the island of Koridai." *"It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon." *"There is no time. Your sword is enough." *"Squadallah, we're off!" *"These are the faces of evil. You must conquer each." *"Here is the map. Where do you wish to go?" *"Look what has happened!" *"See how Harlequin captures Koridians?" *"Look how Militron makes his warriors." *"Through the eye of Glutko lies the shrine of Koridai." *"Consider Lupay the most dangerous of Ganon's minions." *"Look and see... Goronu." *"At last, you have the vision to find my house! Now you will see the Sand Croomies that prevent your approach to Ganon. Go, with many blessings." *"Already Koridai is returning to harmony." *"The birds are singing! Isn't it beautiful?" *"As it is written, you, Link, are the hero of Koridai!" *"Your mama." *"F--k off!" *"Your majesty, you must die." *"Fari!" *"Consider Lupay gay." *"Macaroni and cheese." *"The birds are burning!" *"Look and seize the island of Koridai." *"My house!" *"Guitar Hero!" *"Ganon died." *"Orrorin." *"Lonely Link." *"Allah!" *"Here is the map! It's f--king useless." *"Your majesty, where the hell is Dino Time?" *"There is no God. There is no Jesus. There is no Allah! There is no reason to go on living." *"Impa, you are a slut." *"Well, well! What have we here?" *"Here I come!" *"Your majesty, look! I can see my house from here!" *"At f--king last!" *"Many blessings I have given you, and this is how you repay me?" *"You died." *"Your majesty, don't wait any longer." *"How long was I out?" *"I am so cursing his ass." *"You have no house!" *"You must be censored." *"Did it work?" *"There is no time. Link must die." *"Your majesty, can you see my face?" Gallery See Gwonam/Gallery Squadala! We're off! 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